Danny Trejo is once again a convict.

Today’s film is Seven Cemeteries, a movie that I briefly considered just not watching at all. If you follow this page you’ll know that I’ve grown distant from Danny Trejo over the last few years. I’m not judging him for not being as spry as he hits 80, or asking him to retire since I know he really loves acting and most of these films are probably shot over the course of a couple days. But Trejo’s movies have gone from “so bad it’s good” to routinely “just bad” with films like Vampfather.

Seven Cemeteries is a stupid movie title, and not just because they stuck the number 7 into the word Seven already in the title. Directed by John Gulager, who you probably know from directing Piranha 3DD or the Feast trilogy, Seven Cemeteries had me on board the moment I saw “western zombie film.” Daniel Trejo plays Bravo, a framed convict who gets out of jail a day late and a dollar short. He follows a note to the farm of Matteo (Raul Casso) and Carmela (Samantha Ashley) who had asked for his help.

Unfortunately for him, Matteo has been killed by the movie’s antagonist El Abuelo, and yes the villain’s name is The Grandfather. Played by Sal Lopez, aka T.H.E Rock from Full Metal Jacket. Abuelo murdered Miguel over his refusal to sell the family farm and is giving Carmela until dawn to agree or presumably get stabbed to death herself. Good thing Danny got released from prison that exact day.

After a run-in with the police where he gets shot multiple times and left for dead, Bravo wakes up in the home of an enchantress Bruja played by the ever-beautiful Maria Canals-Barrera. Bruja it turns out also can’t stand up against Abuelo even with her mystical powers of bringing the dead back to life. You’d think her ability to resurrect relatively intelligent zombies, and thus Abuelo’s victims to seek revenge, would make her more capable. But then the movie wouldn’t happen. So Bravo sets out to resurrect his old crew.

I love the resurrection scene in this film because we get a rather out-of-tone flashback showcasing most of each character’s crimes. Bravo is joined by Eugene (Vincent M. Ward), Tommy (Lew Temple), Quasimodo (Richard Esteras) and his girlfriend Dolores (Emma Ramos). Dolores must be a nod to John Wick, because her nickname is The Banshee and Quasimodo specifically says she could kill six men with a number two pencil. They are also joined by Stickface (Mickey Koga) a guy whose claim to fame is being a hockey player who beats people with his stick.

Are you telling me I’m about to watch a movie where a zombie hockey player, cowboy, baseball player, and luchador couple go up against corrupt cops and a drug cartel? Well shit, just tell me where to look. The effects on the zombies are very well done. I also loved the characters, all of them are just chock full of personality. Stickface at one point says “time to get Stickface’d” and that sounds like an “it’s Morbin time” joke I made up for this review but it’s not. Sal Lopez is a great character and not just charming but self-referential about his old age, and he plays a mean accordion.

He also gets cock and ball torture by a disembodied zombie human hand. There’s probably a better way to describe that scene but this is what I’m going with.

Overall Seven Cemeteries is an enjoyable film. It’s not great, but it’s good. A step up from a lot of Trejo’s more recent films like Vampfather which I’ll remind readers is the film that caused my podcast cohosts to quit in protest. Seven Cemeteries is also an hour and 24 minutes, meaning it doesn’t overstay its welcome.

Rating: B-