I’m so sorry.

Dear Joshua Wesely, it’s me. I’d like to apologize for my review of 2025: The World Enslaved By A Virus. Sure, you may be a creepy sex pervert with a questionable marriage and I have a feeling I’d rather not see your secret porn stash, but I think I owe you an apology for my F– rating of your film. Really it deserves an F- when compared to Secret Seam. I’m sorry. Love, Connor.

Secret Seam is a “film” in the sense that it is video and audio compiled into a series of linear events that is roughly an hour and a half long. The more I watch the film the more convinced I became that it was built as a shit post. A gag if you will. A big piece of bait to see how many ass kissers on YouTube will pretend it’s good and which streaming site would pick it up. And of course that cabal of idiots is Tubi. Effectively the film is a bunch of nobody-cares YouTube film critics, Instagram and TikTok “influencers” with barely any audience and the poor family members that they managed to rope into being part of the movie. They come together with the goal of making Kickassia look enjoyable and the product of talent by comparison.

The film is shot almost entirely on terrible green screen, with characters overlayed on top of other characters with their dialogue routinely not synchronized up with each other. Imagine the worst Nostalgia Critic sketches and then imagine that sketch is 90 minutes long, edited by a Doberman on PCP, and you’ve got Secret Seam. I half expected them to break for a sponsor ad read from Keeps or Hello Fresh halfway through. Half of the film are tight shots of people sitting in chairs and standing around doing nothing. The other half is bad desktop capture footage.

Secret Seam “stars” David Gilleand as Jonathon Child, a man who uncovers a conspiracy plot when his dad is killed and his mom kidnapped by some secret cabal of people. Jonathon must navigate the kind of cinematography and editing skills that make Birdemic look like Citizen Kane, in order to do a thing at a place with some people and who the hell is even going to read this review? To be 100% honest I couldn’t get further than the hour mark of this film, and while it does mean I only had a half hour left to suffer I had a lot better things to do with my time. Like contemplate death.

The movie occasionally swaps between really bad video game footage, really bad computer desktop footage, and really bad webcam footage. The live shots appear to be entirely shot on webcam and phone camera, using terrible green screen and built-in-app background replacement plugins. The angle of the camera doesn’t match the background images, characters are in entirely different locations even though they are apparently supposed to be in the same room talking to each other, the camera shifts are jarring and uncomfortable to watch, and overall this film falls far beyond the realm of “so bad it’s good.

Sean Baker is a director who has the uncanny ability to find people for his films who aren’t actors but carry a genuine charm to them. Secret Seam however seems to carry the worst aspects of dollar store dime-a-dozen YouTuber personalities, people who couldn’t use their charm to convincingly sell a bottle of water to people dying of thirst in the desert.

The only thing well produced about Secret Seam are the ads that play sporadically on Tubi. I’m going to shoot a dog the next time I hear that Skype call sound in a film and yes this is a written threat.

How About Notflix would like to extend our condolences to Justin Lomas whose uncle passed away recently. Sorry for your loss, my dude.

Rating: H