Russian western Terminator.

Gunfight at Rio Bravo asks a simple question; what if the Terminator was set in the wild west and had absolutely nothing to do with robots. It has probably the worst opening five minutes in recent memory, and if I knew how the rest of the movie was going to play out, I would have written this review without even watching it. And I’d be able to do so without making any mistakes.

This is Joe Cornet’s fourth film of four western movies, before he went on to do Night of the Caregiver. Oh Jesus Christ. It tells the story of the mysterious gunslinger Ivan Turchaninov (Alexander Nevsky) who comes to a small town to save its people from the evils of the Hellhound gang and its leader Ethan Crawley (Matthias Hues).

To the film’s credit I will say this; Alexander Nevsky should audition for voice acting roles as the Terminator when the studio can’t afford Arnold. He’s obviously a talented actor, and he’s also Russian so he’s pre-equipped with the natural ability to speak like a wind-up doll and show no emotion whatsoever. He’s almost as stone-faced as Natalie Denise Sperl who is back as Nora Miller. Nothing puts me quite in the mood for a western thriller quite like a couple of women whose faces have been pumped full of filler and Botox to the point where all of their emotions look pretty much the same. Sperl stumbles like a pro maintaining her fake southern belle accent.

And speaking of Botox, Matthias Hues is in this film as Ethan Crawley. Matthias looks like a copy of Mickey Rourke from the timeline where he didn’t destroy his face with plastic surgery, and I’d reckon he’s the most talented person in this film next to Nevsky. Maybe it’s because he gets to sit on his ass the whole time and enjoy the ride. Maybe it’s something else.

But at the very least Kerry Goodwin is here, and like a bowl of pudding at a salad bar she has once again turned a nightmare into a dream. I love Kerry Goodwin, she is cute as a button and brings her own brand of charm to the screen. She’s like the film equivalent of if Joe Cornet just injected non sequitur shots of a kitten wrapped in a blanket like a burrito into the film, but more subtle. I have to wonder if Kerry Goodwin is related to Laurel Goodwin.

To the movie’s credit, this film has moderately more of a reason for existing than Cornet’s following movie. The best thing I can say about Gunfight At Rio Bravo is that Joe Cornet was kind enough to make this film about 70 minutes long. There’s also the fact that they picked a real story to base the main character off of, which shows some level of dedication to the craft.

Maybe if Joe put some more actual effort into the film he might get a real following instead of the fake IMDB accounts the studio creates for their obviously fake 10 star reviews. Like using blood packets which are dirt cheap and look infinitely better than shitty after effects blood splatters. I know you know how to use real blood Joe, you did it twice in this film. Don’t be a lazy cheapskate. Also have Kerry Goodwin star in your films instead of Natalie Denise Sperl going forward.

I added my own screenshot of Kerry Goodwin because those cretins didn’t show her much at all in the trailer.

Rating: C-