The dumbest movie since sliced dumb.

I was going to skip over Slashening: The Final Beginning on the grounds that it looked really stupid, and then I noticed who made it. The production company of course being Troma Entertainment with none other than Lloyd Kaufman himself in the top billing role and as executive producer. And knowing Lloyd, he also banged every single person on set including the caterer and also Lloyd Kaufman.

Troma Entertainment is an interesting entity in that the company has been around for over 50 years, back when Lloyd Kaufman was a simple forty year old, but the studio doesn’t get much attention from reviewers these days. They continue to get attention on the indie circuit, winning awards from places you probably haven’t heard of unless you’re already big into that scene. And there’s even a new Toxic Avengers movie coming out starring Peter Dinklage. Otherwise the studio has just been doing its own thing. It’s less of a traditional film studio and more of a group of people just doing what they love and making a small profit from it.

I personally haven’t seen a modern Troma film in quite some time. Where’s my screener for The Toxic Avenger, Lloyd? We had a deal after I beat your ass in that spanking contest in Receta in 2021.

Slashening: The Final Beginning is the sequel to 2015’s The Slashening. Madison Santangelli (Addie Weyrich) who moves to a new town to start a new life after her father’s multiple botched suicide attempts. The film kicks off in the house from the original film where we watch a group of people partake in drugs and sex before being killed off one by one by a mysterious killer. Have you ever wanted to see two guys get their penises shot with a nail gun while engaged in the most unenthusiastic docking scene in a horror movie? Scratch that, the only docking scene you’ll see in a horror film, which I guess also makes it the most enthusiastic by default.

Directed by Brandon Bassham, Slashening: The Final Beginning is a film in the purest sense that they shot scenes where people read lines, and then they rendered it into a full movie. It’s full of absolute idiocy, from the effects to the acting, if you can call it that, to the sequence of events that eventually gets us to the credits. If you’re the type who watches and loves Troma movies, the kind who refer to themselves as Troma degenerates, you probably don’t need my review to shift your decision. In fact you’ve likely seen this ten times already. For everyone else, well you’ll probably think this stuff is stupid garbage.

The cast is a bunch of caricatures who never know when the joke should end. Pat (Patrick Foy) is the leader of the trauma group, and also a survivor from the first film, who is a little too proud of the fact that his penis was cut off and shoved into his mouth in the first movie. There’s Scott (Jack Frederick), who is definitely a parody of Scott the Woz who plays the jug in an exaggerated hipster band. Link (Colin O’Brien) doesn’t believe reality is real on account of his heavy use of DMT, which he never stops talking about.

Viv (Jean Louise O’Sullivan) and Bex (Jaime Lutz) are at the group on court order because they killed an old man. McManus Woodend plays Dylan, a male feminist ally who is just pretending to be a self-hating white man so he can try to creep on women. My favorite character is Cher, played by Madonna Refugia, who goes into detail about how she seems to be followed by mysterious deaths of people she doesn’t like, and how happy she is about them. Maybe it’s also because Monica teases the audience by promising to show us her great rack, and then doesn’t.

Slashening loves creating mocking caricatures, from the aforementioned to a duo who take a ridiculously long time to hash out whether or not they have complete, unconditional, unreserved, enthusiastic, positive consent before getting ready to have sex (and then getting killed). Actually the movie itself feels like its sex scenes were written by asking a child what they thought sex entailed. Just a bunch of people rubbing their faces together and saying they’re really having sex. There’s the local artist who is propped up as a feminist icon and an “empowering woman” who creates sculptures and paintings of vaginas, only to reveal that she actually just loves “drawing snatches.”

The feminist art gallery of course is just chock full of male feminist allies who are in reality just perverts. Then you have wine snobs and all sorts of characters as well as the signature Troma stripper who looks like they plucked her out of the cheapest club in Syracuse. In short, it’s everything Troma fans want. Padded out the ass for time but it did keep my attention for the most part.

And we can’t forget Lloyd Kaufman as the sensei of a self-defense class who teaches us all we need to know. Punch him in the dick. No refunds.

Rating: 69