Space cocksuckers.

Ghost Planet is a beautiful film. Maybe it’s the re-use of the same three white gamer chairs that everyone sits on, maybe it’s the scene where they slip a card key into what isn’t even hidden as either a CD player or a stereo flipped on its side. Maybe it’s the absolutely ridiculous space jargon that the film refuses to elaborate on because the audience wouldn’t understand it anyway. Maybe it’s the flimsy white plastic lawn chairs that are on the ships that literally everyone owned but nobody knows who bought them.

Ghost Planet is director Philip J. Cook’s latest movie and the guy’s been making sci-fi schlock since 1987. This film stars Chris Evans lookalike Joe Mayes as Max Stone, a handsome devil who between posing for space underwear and chin-exercise tools is busy making bad decisions. Bad decisions in space. He ends up on a space mission with his space sister Julia (Claudia Amacher) who he creepily refers to as a nympho, as well as his space brother George (Mark Hyde) who traded in his nymphomanicism for space cancer. The trio works along with synthetic space android Trudy 7 (Georgia Anastasia) who porks Max and Julia but notably not the cancer guy.

The plot is simple; space shit happens and also Max is the only one who can find a long lost space planet using space technology that the space people don’t space understand. So a big corporation sponsors the three to go into space and figure out how to get back to the planet so they can signal its location and help the United Nations Transit Authority get there so it can be excavated or something like that. Honestly I lost the plot like 20 minutes into the film when they told me I didn’t need to worry about the space details.

The trio finds an alien planet with a long lost human who experienced what they keep referring to as the Cosmic Succ. I have no idea if it’s actually spelled like that, and I know the closed captions wouldn’t be able to tell me, so I’m sticking with Cosmic Succ. Not related to the cosmic succ that Trudy gives Max and Julia, but not in that order. The human lady they find is Naiad played by Julie Kashmanian who is just cute as a button and I hung on every word she said even if I didn’t understand it. Evidently if you spend enough time lost in space you start talking like you’re in Shakespeare. They realize they’re being pursued by the bad corporation people led by Zoot (Jolene Mafnas) who looks custom built to be an alien.

But the question is; can they find the alien technology and get their payday? Can Max get the money he needs to pay off that kidney he put an advance on? Can George get medical care before his brain cancer eats his brain? Can Max still be romantically involved with Trudy knowing that her mouth has probably been on his sister’s ass? Doesn’t it kinda suck that in this future Earth still has crappy expensive healthcare systems?

This film has everything you’d want out of a micro budget sci-fi movie. Ridiculous set pieces that almost make it feel like a parody, sets that are composed of well-built miniatures to complement the computer graphics that look like a modern day Reboot live action film. Actually it reminds me a lot of the first Iron Sky, back when Timo Vuorensola gave a damn about what he made and wasn’t pumping out lazy trash like Jeepers Creepers 4. It brings back memories of Lost In Space, Land of the Lost, and old-era Doctor Who where the director and crew did what they could with what they had, even if what they had wasn’t a lot.

Ghost Planet has charm out the ass and is actually a prequel to Cook’s 1987 film Beyond the Rising Moon which I will absolutely be watching at some point in the near future. The future of space. All of the actors give their best effort and while it’s not exactly Ross Patterson-tier acting, there’s a good few heartfelt moments to look forward to. According to IMDB the film’s budget was $14,000 which seems pretty low for a movie that looks as good as this one does. And the CG does looks absolutely immaculate at many points throughout the film.

You can check out Ghost Planet on Tubi.

Rating: A-