Another Tubi banger.

I knew Snatched was going to be a ridiculous film in the first 30 seconds and it did not disappoint.

Directed by Chris Stokes, Snatched is Taken but with a good looking black lady as the lead. Veronika Bozeman plays Angela, a CIA agent with a very particular set of skills. Skills she acquired over a very long career. Skills that make her a nightmare for you know how this goes. Angela marries mayo monster Jason played by Chris Moss who was in How About Notflix fan-favorite Weiner Dog Nationals. Sadly Jason dies after someone poisons him to death with a spicy Dorito leaving Angela to raise Jason Jr.

I don’t know if I’m more surprised or less surprised by an appearance by Janet Hubert as Angela’s mom Carolyn. Janet you may recognize from her role as Vivian Banks on that lesser known TV series Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Meanwhile Byron played by Lance Gross is also in this film as Uncle Byron who becomes a father figure to Jason Jr. Byron also works for the CIA but he hasn’t been able to finish one mission. The one where he infiltrates Angela’s bed and ruins her sheets.

Carolyn meanwhile tries to convince Angela of the positives of moving on and starting a new relationship, like the prospect of going to work in the morning with a bite mark on her butt cheek from the night before. With Uncle Byron. You know that sounds horrible, I’m just going to call him Byron from now on.

Charlie Weber plays Dimitri, bad guy extraordinaire. Dimitri tracks down Angela’s family after she puts him in prison and starts killing people and kidnaps Jason Jr., played by Jered Cheatham. I don’t normally like child actors and frankly Jared isn’t an exception. He sounds like he’s reading a script most of the time. But hey it’s his first movie and it’s a low budget Tubi film. Kid’s got a whole life ahead of him to improve on his game otherwise they do pay $20/hr at IHOP in California I hear.

The action in this film is, uh…stupid. I’m not sure how to describe it because it’s low-budget but oddly well done low budget. I’m not sure what kind of trickery they’re using with the camera but characters move weird during fight sequences like they’re slowing down and speeding up the scenes but not obviously. The CG blood is absolutely terrible but the fights themselves are strangely enchanting. Like watching tantric sex if they were trying to kill each other. I especially love when the guy throws the knife and hits another dude so hard he does a full backflip.

Also Aunt Vivian can still whoop some serious ass. Her only weakness is Asian women with big swords.

A weakness we can all relate to. I own the same desk riser that Angela has. Charlie Weber has a voice like sexy melted butter, he should narrate spy thriller audio books as a side gig or put in an application to be the mission briefing voice at the start of the Mission Impossible films. I’m almost impressed that for a film this schlocky they gave a guy named Dimitri the most basic western American voice instead of making him a generic Russian bad guy. Dimitri Vodkadrinkski.

There are big As on the mansion Angela infiltrates which would be fitting for a joke if I gave this movie an A. But I’m not, because it’s definitely not an A-tier film. I’m going to say…C+. Yeah, that’s appropriate. I took a half point off because of the horrible movie name.

Rating: C+