Nobody messes with the Jesus.

Today’s review is for Immaculate, a film about a nun doing nun shit; working in that same convent they use for tons of other films, washing the old nuns, talking about poop, and giving birth to the Jesus. Or maybe not the Jesus. Released in 2024, Immaculate was directed by Michael Mohan who is best known for directing Immaculate. Written by Andrew Lobel who wrote that PUBG Ground Zero short film back in 2021, Immaculate is probably second on the list of 2024 films starring Sydney Sweeney to offend God. The first being Madame Web.

Immaculate stars Sydney Sweeney as Sister Cecilia, a girl who became a nun after being saved from death as a child and believing God saved her for a purpose. That purpose? To go to a nun house and take care of the old nuns until she too is old enough for the nun house. She takes care of the nuns, looks at their poop, bathes sexily in a tub with other young nuns who are all covered in those big draping nun bathing suits that get just see-through enough when wet to see the titty.

Thank God Michael Mohan didn’t ruin sexy nun bathing clothes by having one of the old ladies in the tub with them. I’ve seen enough full-frontal naked grandma thanks to Cuck, Rent-A-Pal, and Joker to last a lifetime.

The story starts getting interesting when it turns out that Cecilia is pregnant, extra shocking because she’s never made the sex and also she’s in a place of God. The other people in the convent believe she’s pregnant with the second coming of Jesus, I don’t know why they’d assume that based on a virgin birth. Probably read it in a book somewhere. But as the movie goes on, the audience and Sister Cecilia begin wondering if this truly is the product of God. Is she going to give birth to the next coming of Christ? Or is it something more sinister, like the second coming of that other guy. Hitler or someone like that.

Immaculate is a horror film? I don’t think so. There are admittedly some spoopy parts here and there and it does get pretty creepy from time to time but I don’t want to call it a horror film. It’s a psychological drama that teaches us a very important life lesson on life; don’t piss of a stressed out pregnant woman when she hasn’t had access to any craving foods and is close to sharp instruments. I don’t think the film would have gone the way it did if the convent had access to dill pickles and that horseradish cheddar cheese. Specifically together and on slightly toasted white bread as a sandwich. Don’t ask me how I know this.

This is however not a great film to watch if eating something wet. The film goes through the three trimesters as Cecilia figures out more about the convent and what exactly is going on there. There’s scenes of suicide, murder, someone gets their tongue graphically cut out, vomiting, chickens getting decapitated, and there is a ton of blood. A lot more than I was really expecting from a movie like this. The scenes of gore are uncomfortably realistic, and this is definitely not a film you want your puppy in the room for.

Also the cast is fantastic. Álvaro Morte plays Father Sal Tedeschi, a charming priest who knows more than he lets on. I don’t know anyone in the film because they’re mostly Italian actors. It’s kinda crazy to think that this film was in development hell (ha ha) until Sydney Sweeney bought the rights to make sure it got created. And you can tell this is a passion project of Sweeney’s, she really knocks it out of the park with her performance not to mention the cinematography and atmosphere of the film.

It’s fair to say that old nuns in dark medieval convents are scary on their own, throw in some Satan in the mix for good measure and you’ve got a recipe for terror. At an hour and a half Immaculate is definitely a must watch for my readers. The worst thing I can say about this movie is that the dialogue is completely forgettable, it’s only been an hour and I probably couldn’t recite a single line from this movie other than Ave Maria. It’s a very long hour and a half that only burns the candle at one end, but the ending is pretty fulfilling.

Rating: B+