High school assassins.

Barely Lethal is a teen comedy movie which is crazy because I’m not a teen and this movie wasn’t funny. Barely Lethal is so forgettable that only a few hours after watching it I’m already dropping memories of this movie like I’m getting ready to join the Alzheimer’s house. I actually had to check my browser history to remember what the name of this movie was so I could look it up on Wikipedia and get my info for this review.

Directed by Kyle Newman, evidently not related to the ever-lovable Randy Newman, Barely Lethal is the meat between the directorial sandwich whose bread consists of Fanboys and 1Up, both movies that critics have called everything from shit to complete shit. Barely Lethal was also written by John D’Arco whose career since then has propelled him to…staff writer on the Trolls TV shows. Wow. High credits in this movie.

Barely Lethal stars Hailee Stenfield as Megan Walsh, aka Agent 83. 83 grew up in a secret underground facility where little girls are bred to be killers, and I mean that in the literal sense. They are raised on murder, fed hate and resentment, and their dental plan includes I don’t really know how to finish this joke. Also they’re all orphans because if there’s one thing I’ve learned from cinema it’s that orphans are just plain natural serial killers. The whole show is run by Sam Jackson and I’d like to keep my headcanon that this is one of the side programs the Avengers aren’t aware of.

Anyway, Megan escapes from the facility and starts a new life as a teenage girl going back to school. Gee, someone stole the plot of Strangers With Candy. Posing as a foreign exchange student, Megan meets her new family Liz (Dove Cameron), her mom (Rachael Harris), Parker (Jason Drucker), and starts life at high school where she’s weird because she’s killed people and thinks like a mercenary. She forms a crush on the cute guy Cash (Toby Sebastian) and kinda ignores the cute but dweeby other dude who is clearly going to get the girl in the end Roger (Thomas Mann).

Also crushing after Cash is every other girl in the school including teacher Mr. Drumm (Dan Fogler). Jessica Alba is in this movie because dayum and Steve-O has an appearance as well.

The film itself is fine, just fine. You have to enjoy Sam Jackson’s charm when he’s around the children of the movie, both being the bastard mentor and also something of a father figure. He shakes his head and explains “this is why we wear the suit” to the little girl in the child-sized bomb-disposal unit armor that just accidentally blew herself up and came out unscathed.

Barely Lethal has a whole cast of characters from the oddly emotionally complicated Gooch (Gabriel Basso) to Liz’s mom who is divorced and doesn’t need no man, no siree. You’ve got Roger’s dad (Rob Huebel) who is every teenage boy’s worst nightmare for a dad who never understand boundaries or knows what’s hip to say in a situation. Mr. Drumm is utterly creepy around Cash, and the Principal (Finesse Mitchell) is a dreary high school principal. Damn Jessica Alba is hot.

At its core, Barely Lethal is a very generic teen comedy wrapped up in a veneer of assassin stuff. It’s certainly an interesting movie in parts, but I don’t think anyone’s going to be thinking much about the film or its director.

Rating: C