The caregiver only rings twice.

Night of the Caregiver is definitely a Tubi horror movie. Released in 2023 and directed by Joe Cornet. Putting away his generic Wild West Adlib book that’s been the basis of his first four films and switching over to a scary movie Madlib book, Joe Cornet set out to complete an impossible task that few directors have accomplished; making a low budget horror film with crappy CGI blood, giving himself a major role, and boring the audience to death. A real pathfinder.

Set entirely in the house of someone from the movie set, or an AirBnB rented out, Night of the Caregiver’s title makes you think it might be about a demon caregiver. Nah, it ain’t. Natalie Sperl playes Juliet Rowe, a caregiver who takes a really well paying one night job to care for Lillian Gresham, played by Eileen Dietz. A short nod for Eileen Dietz for being a soldier of an actress. The lady has been doing b-tier schlock for over 20 years now, and has been acting since 1952. She played Jilia in the Planet of the Apes TV show in 1974 for crying out loud.

Eileen Dietz has 107 previous acting roles and 20 more for films currently in some form of production. A real spring chicken for a 78 year old.

Anyway, Juliet’s role is to ignore the fact that she’s in a scary movie until she can’t ignore it anymore. The high paying job, the fact that the prior Hospice nurse happened to have to leave, the fact that this definitely alive and not suspicious old lady is suspiciously refusing to have her vitals taken. The thing that would prove she’s alive and totally not a demon or a zombie or a spoopy ghost. The lights keep flickering, a demon face appears on her phone, oh and a demon keeps walking around the house.

It could also just be an old house, what do I know.

Meanwhile Detective Roman Eckhart is trying to find out why his mom died, and he has a theory that traces back to an old urban legend. An urban legend that is utterly moronic once it is fully revealed at the end of the movie. The non-spoilery bits are that a demon comes back and kills someone every 13 years, and Eckhart thinks it might be why his mom died. Oh and Detective Eckhart is played by director Joe Cornet, who delivers his role with less energy and emotion than a grunty middle aged man dropping a fat piss at a public urinal.

If you’re wondering why I dislike this film so much, it’s because the main character Juliet. I get that the film sets up that she’s tired, but why is it that Juliet gets to be spooped by a series of demonic visions and falls asleep rather easily multiple times over the course of the movie? I know she’s tired, I’m tired too. It’s a thing in these crappy Tubi horror films where the protagonists have a really easy time falling asleep.

Poor Natalie Sperl. You can tell she’s really giving it her best but it’s really hard to play a role in a horror film when your face is partially frozen by Botox.  Juliet’s “bring it, asshole” fighting face is exactly the same as her scared senseless face which is the same as her tired face which is the same as her happy face. Juliet’s friend Pamela (Anna Oris) is also completely emotionless in her delivery, but it might just be because the actress the style of Russian that has the personality of a military brick.

The only thing in this film that can be considered as exerting effort is the spoopy demon mask, which looks pretty good. Also Eileen Dietz is the only one worth a damn who seems to actually care about providing a decent performance.

Night of the Caregiver is 65 minutes long, roughly, and you know what? It’s still way too long. This movie has more filler pumped into it than Natalie Sperl’s cheeks. Throw out all the absolute rubbish and you’re left with about 35 minutes of movie. Throw out anything below serviceable and you’re left with the opening credits behind a completely black screen.

Rating: D-