Sylvester Stalledone.

Expendables 4 or Expendfourbles, is fast food for the brain which is why before watching this movie I definitely legally acquired I went out and got some fast food for the body. Specifically McDonald’s chicken nuggets with that new mambo and sweet and spicy sauces. Obviously Loki Season 2’s propaganda is working. But looking at my bill I realized that this is the fourth takeout order I’ve made this week that ended up costing exactly $9.11 after tax. My bank is going to think I’m pulling a sick joke.

The latest movie in the Expendables trilogy, Expendables 4 is full of obsolete ideas. Libyan terrorists, the threat of world war three, Dolph Lungren putting his glasses on to shoot a sniper rifle, the myth of Megan Fox’s acting talent. And between the explosions and blood and gore and fake tactical speak it really got me thinking above all else; Megan Fox’s talent is as fake and unappealing as most of her physical presence at this point. Megan Fox is about three years older than me yet her career has crashed catastrophically into the realm of late stage Steven Seagal. You don’t go from Michael Bay movie star to being in a Bruce Willis elder abuse film when your career is healthy.

The subtitle for Expendables 4 should have been Jason Statham and the Wannabes. His back must be aching from carrying this entire film, and you don’t need insider news to know that Statham is preparing to take over the franchise from Stallone. He’s basically the only member of the hero crew that looks like he actually wants to be there. I checked the time codes, there’s a full 45 straight minutes of this 90 minute film where Jason Statham is the only main character in any action scenes. He’s quite literally the only person given complex fight sequences.

I’d be remiss to not mention Tony Jaa as Decha, a former Expendable meaning he’s from an era where the heroes gave a damn. He’s a crazy killer man and perfect for this movie. Levy Tran is second to Statham in her action scenes and being one of the main cast who feels like she wants to be part of the film. Tran’s character is named Lash and she brings a metal bladed whip to a gunfight and wins because that’s hot. Levy Tran is in this film because they need at least one talented and attractive badass woman to be part of the main cast and lord knows Megan Fox fills none of that list. I’ve seen Levy Tran’s behind the scenes interviews and she has the same glee as a kid talking about visiting Santa’s actual workshop.

Curtis “Fiddy Cent” Jackson is here because his net worth is literally fifty cents and he needs a paycheck. His performance has its ups and downs and you can almost figure out which scenes were shot together, ableit out of order, based on Jackson’s demeanor. Dolph Lungren is racist, immediately blaming the black guy and Asian woman as being potential moles when the team gets captured immediately and has to be saved by Statham. Iko Uwais plays antagonist Suarto Rahmat, who matches Statham on really enjoying his part.

If you’re wondering why I’m not talking about Stallone much, it’s because his ass gets clocked out of the film in the cold open. I won’t blame Stallone for having almost no presence in this movie and spending most of that short time sitting on his ass, given he’s 77 and didn’t want any part of it to begin with until he suddenly did, but someone should let him know it’s completely reasonable to just not sign up for the sequel. The choice worked for Pierce Brosnan. Jack Nicholson. Clint Eastwood. The Rock. Hulk Hogan. Jean Claude Van Damme. Arnold. Terry Crews. And Antonio Banderas, Jet Li, Kellan Lutz, Ronda Rousey, Glen Powell, Victor Ortiz, hey remember when Expendables 3 ended with a whole new team only for absolutely none of them to sign up for the next film?

Remember when everyone was laughing at Expendables 3 for only making $214 million and being a disappointment for the series? Looks really good after Expendables 4’s $47 million return. I was about ready to give this movie a dead grade really early.

And then Jason Statham beat the shit out of a fat obnoxious live streamer and I immediately bumped this film up to a B. It’s like the director was pandering this movie to my wanted list. On the other hand this film is full of absolute stupidity and it’s kinda fantastic for it. Statham leads a group of terrorists on a high speed motorcycle chase through a military battleship on motorcycles that are equipped with machine guns. Statham pulls a ramp jump off a fake fighter jet and does a 180 spin mid-air, blowing away a terrorist and then dodges a rocket launcher. No I’m not joking.

Expendables 4 is utterly stupid and I mean that in a good way. There’s a ton of blood, gore, body parts blown off, and the film isn’t made for PG-13 audiences like the last one. It’s a giant billboard that at 56 Statham is still able to kick some ass, which I guess was the whole point of the Expendables and its early cast, and he nails it.

Rating: B