James Bamford makes Jane Wick.

Air Force One Down is the film I picked to watch tonight, because literally every movie released on January 14 is a romcom and I’d rather buy myself a bouquet of doing literally anything else than watch and review a romcom. Released on February 9, 2024, Air Force One Down is not to be confused with a surprisingly tasteful porno titled Going Down On Air Force One, although it’s an easy mistake because both feature an actor in a Russian accent saying “Mr. President, soon you shall come” and both movies feature several shots being unloaded on the President’s plane. I’m done now.

The directorial debut of James Bamford who you may know as a stunts guy on a lot of your favorite films (Watchmen, Chronicles of Riddick, Butterfly Effect), AFOD is a film about a secret service agent who on her second day on the job finds herself defending the President of the United States after vodka terrorists from the cheeky breeky fictional Slavic country of Astovia kill everyone on board and hijack the plane in order to put an end to a planned oil treaty between the US and the Astovian President. Please note for posterity that they are not related to the micronation of Astovia, a suburb in New Jersey consisting of about 30 people. All glory to Astovia and all hail Kevin Smith.

The film stars Katherine McNamara as Allison, secret service agent whose job in this film is to be John Wick but with a fantastic rack. And I don’t think it’s out of line to make that comment because the film doesn’t give us much time to forget that fact. Even going as far as having a character cut just the top part of her shirt to show off her rack. But enough about McNamara’s guns, let’s talk about her weapons.

Agent Allison is straight up projecting the energy of John Wick, killing bad guys like they’re breadsticks at a Pizza Hut buffet attended by me. It’s not the kind of film to watch if you want to see the protagonist have a hard time of things, given Allison single-handedly wipes out an entire military base of nameless vodka drunkinski soldiers in the second half of the movie. It’s pure power fantasy, and before some of you get riled up it’s not a “women can do it too” type of film. While she does get hurt a few times it only goes to exemplify what a badass she is, and frankly I’m all for it.

Much of the dialogue is your usual action one-liner flare. Don’t expect too much logic here, this is a movie where terrorists manage to infiltrate the Secret Service and Air Force One. The best advice I can give is to turn off your brain, try not to get distracted by horny thoughts of Allison beating your ass, and enjoy the action.

The POTUS represents a dream we could probably never have again in America; a President who is portrayed by a guy that’s only 47. Did you know we haven’t had a president who was under 45 years old when he assumed office since sir Johnathan Fortnite Kennedy in 1961? I looked it up on Wikipedia. I have no idea how old President Edwards is in the film but his actor Ian Bohen is 47 he does do a good amount of ass whooping in the film, so let’s assume he’s closer to 40 than 50.

The big baddy of the movie is Rade Šerbedžija as General Rodinov, a man who simply believes his country is selling out by taking a deal to sell America its oil. And he’s got kind of a point, as he mentions at one part of the movie how the last time Astovia did a deal with America they were greatly screwed over by capitalists and left with little for their own benefit. I’m looking forward to seeing Rade as Dr. Neckerchief when I watch Mission Impossible 2 as part of that series.

Dascha Polanco is here as Vice President “Not Kamala Harris” and I knew I recognized her from somewhere, as Polanco played Daya back on Orange is the New Black. And there’s Anthony Michael Hall who has starred in many of my favorite films including his role as Bill Gates in Pirates of Silicon Valley. The real standout here is in the camera work, where the film combines long single-shot action sequences with cleverly disguised cuts to make the sequences look like single cut shots. But you can’t fool me, James Bamford or whatever your name is. I’ve seen Birdman.

Air Force One Down is like Cheeto dust coated packing material. It’s tasty and filling, but it’s only satisfying on a surface level.

Rating: B