Northeast is up a big fucking hill.

Land of Bad is the fifth directed film by William Eubank and I can’t say I’ve seen any of his prior movies including Paranormal Activity: Next of Kin. Written by David Frigerio who also works with Eubank a lot, the film has nine producers which you think would mean it was designed by committee. But it’s not. Released in February 2024, Land of Bad went on to make $6.5 million in the box office and then four months later came to Netflix. It was moderately enjoyed by critics (67%) and loved by audiences (94%) on Rotten Tomatoes.

The film stars Liam Hemsworth as Sgt. JJ Kinney, a greenhorn who finds himself on an operation with a bunch of badasses looking to rescue a CIA spy in the Philippines. Seeing that this is a movie of course, after some playful ribbing about being the loose thread in the group Kinney ends up being the only survivor after the mission goes sideways and his team is wiped out. Kinney now has to make it to an extraction point while fighting all kinds of foreigners who have guns and are also terrorists hell bent on terrorism. We know this because they behead some civilians in the opening and they’re about to behead a child, like terrorists do.

On the other end of the story is Capt. Eddie Grimm ‘Reaper’ played by none other than the wonderful Russell Crowe as well as Staff Sgt. Nia Branson played by the lovely Chika Ikogwe. Reaper’s character is expanded by telling us how his wife is getting ready to give birth while he’s stuck at work. There’s a lot of great dialogue between Reaper and Kinney as Reaper, a seasoned veteran attempts to keep Kinney’s head calm and clear enough to complete the mission and get out alive.

I do love Master Sgt. John ‘Sugar’ Sweet played by Milo Ventimiglia who I don’t think I’ve seen on screen since he played Peter Patrelli in Heroes. Ventimiglia has really come into his own as a bad dude and wears the facial hair and blood and dirt well. Also part of the damned crew is Sgt. Bishop (Ricky Whittle from some shit) as well as Sgt. Abel played by Luke Hemsworth who you may recognize as the guy they cloned Chris Hemsworth from.

Land of Bad is pretty damn brutal with some on-screen executions and a torture scene or two. Robert Rabiah plays Saeed Hashimi, the leaders of the terrorist group. Sashimi looks Kinney in the eyes during his torture session and says that he’s about to get intimate with him in the bath tub before Kinney dies. There’s probably better ways to summarize that but it’s the sentence I’m going with. Kinney later shoves something long and hard between his ribs.

Can Kinney get to the LZ before it’s too late? Will Grimm get his wife her artisanal fermented cheese in time to save the day? Yeah probably, this is one of those films where the good guys mostly come out on top. The remaining buff dudes are all shirtless and shimmering in sweat by the end of the film and honestly it’s pretty hot. Not Russell Crowe, I’m talking about the guys on the mission.

The action is utterly stupid as you’d expect it to be, full of heavy plot convenience that allows out hero to get out of certain death situations. Kinney can’t get in touch with home base because the Air Force assholes are literally watching a basketball game and won’t pick up the phone and Reaper won’t pick up the phone from a number he doesn’t recognize. The big bombing is called off one second before it happens and kills everyone.

Anyway this is a charming ass movie and enjoyable to watch. It’s not going to be anyone’s film of the year unless this is the first film in this genre you’ve ever seen, but it sits in nicely at an hour and forty five minutes without feeling like it’s wasting our time.

Rating: B+