Don’t let John Cena eat your ass.

Kevin Hart is short, thank you and goodnight. Little did I know the third edition of Die Hart actually aired this month, so that’ll be on my list of things to watch once that gets edited into a feature film.

Die Hart is a premise I find funny, and I’m not just talking about it premiering on Quibi. I want you to look outside your house right now and imagine how many people would hear it if you opened the window and let out a soft toot. You’ll have a bigger audience than Quibi did. Am I using this as a vehicle to broadcast yet again that Jeff Katzenberg is at the tail end of a career of awful choices, and the man is a complete fraud whose best achievements were likely in spite of him rather than because of him. I’d like to point out, completely unrelated, that Katzenberg was the co-chair of the Biden and Harris presidential campaigns in 2024. That’s all you need to know.\

Originally released as a series of episodes on Roku, Die Hart 2: Die Harter got put on Amazon Prime back in May 2024. Following on the first season, it continues the running gag of Kevin Hart playing Kevin Hart, an actor who wants to shed his history of being a running gag and short to a serious action star who is also very short. Kevin Hart pitches a movie idea for an unscripted, live action film where he does his own stunts. The idea doesn’t go well and he doesn’t get the funding.

Initially displeased, Hart gets a call from a mysterious movie magnate with a fake sounding name played by Greg Kriek who offers him lods of emone to make the movie. Unfortunately Hart is then knocked out and finds himself paired up with Jordan King once again (Nathalie Emmanuel) as the two are being hunted down by a group of killers in what is definitely not a movie. It’s a revenge plot. But who could possibly be wanting to kill Kevin Hart?

Die Hart 2 has a fantastic cast, and not because it talks constantly about John Cena eating people’s asses. John Cena is in the movie as Mr. 206, a famous stuntman in this world of Kevin’s creation. Kevin’s assistant is Andre played by who else other than Ben Schwartz? I love Ben Schwartz, he’s gotten a lot better at coming up with fake names since the days of Jake and Amir. Ben Schwartz is admittedly a one note actor, but that one note sure does have a lot of charm in it and I enjoyed pretty much all of his scenes.

John Cena’s balls are on full display in one scene. Die Hart 2 was enjoyable in a way I could completely understand if people found it unfunny and painful to watch. It’s like opening up a cheeseburger and buttering the patty, I’d be too embarrassed to do it around company. I don’t have much to say about this film because it’s very shallow.

Rating: B