Kong is on a boat.

Godzilla vs. Kong is inexplicably a story about the incredible sturdiness of the United States military craftsmanship, and how a normal aircraft carrier can handle a massive gorilla landing straight on it, while in the water, without taking notable structural damage. And then it can withstand the weight and impact of yet another massive monster, this time a big lizard, fist fighting on top while again maintaining not just its structure but buoyancy. And then it gets blowed up.

GvK was directed by Adam Wingard who you may know from the awful grave robbing endeavor that was 2017’s Blair Witch. It released in 2021 back when everything sucked and managed an impressive $470 million at the box office as well as becoming HBO Max’s biggest hit at least until Mortal Kombat released.

The film stars Rebecca Hall as Dr. Ilene Andrews, who hangs out with Kong on his newly renovated Skull Island and is the adoptive mother of Jia (Kaylee Hottle), who is the sole surviving Iwi native and also has a special bond with Kong. Kong starts the film off on Skull Island which is now perpetually covered in storms, living within a MONARCH facility for his own safety.

You see, Kong and Godzilla have something of an ancient dick-waving contest going on where the two of them constantly try to one-up each other. Drinking contests, sack-tapping, etc. The humans are afraid that if Godzilla knows that Kong is around he’ll try to hold him down and shove a beer bottle up his ass, so the crew wants to keep him as safe as humanly possible. Also knowing that due to Kong’s frat nature, he won’t be able to help but try the same on Godzilla. They should just screw and get the tension out.

Their fears are especially poignant since Godzilla suddenly appeared for the first time in years only to destroy a small part of Pensacola, Florida, specifically where an Apex facility was located. This location also happens to house one of our other protagonists Bernie Hayes, played by one of my favorites Brian Tyree Henry, a conspiracy theorist who believes Apex is hiding things from the public.

Dr. Nathan Lind (Alexander Skarsgård) believes in the hollow Earth theory, one that in the movie’s universe has been confirmed as true at least twice now. Lind’s theory is that at the center of the Earth is a habitable world where all of the Titans came from, where they were birthed and where they lived. He joins forces with Madison Russell (Millie Bobby Brown) and that kid from Deadpool 2 (Julian Dennison). Their job is to get us to Hong Kong where the trio can uncover Mecha Godzilla.

I like the idea of Demián Bichir as Dr. Simmons, the head of Apex and dutiful antagonist of the film. What makes him such a great antagonist is that he’s got some ideas the audience can relate to. Simmons creates Mecha Godzilla as a way to destroy the titans. While some see the titans as a force that keeps the balance in the world, and prevents the Earth from dying or whatever, it can’t be disputed that humanity is under threat by their existence. Godzilla controls the titans and basically acts as a reactionary force, but only a few years earlier humans saw that the titans are just as easily cucked into attacking cities if a new apex leader shows up and asks them kindly or offers Quiznos coupons for their loyalty.

So by that measure, Godzilla vs. Kong gives us exactly what we’d want out of a film with this title. Journey to the center of the Earth, watch Kong beat the crap out of giant monsters and rip their heads off. Watch Godzilla destroy big ships that are shooting explosives everywhere, having Godzilla and Kong duke it out not once but twice. Godzilla doing battle with Mecha Godzilla. Subtle Arby’s product placement. Lance Reddick.

You gotta wonder how many civilians died in this series so far, and the answer is no doubt in the millions. You’ve got titan attacks on cities, including the latest where Godzilla, MechaGodzilla, and Kong absolutely destroy Hong Kong before they can evacuate the city. Godzilla x Kong is next, and I’m sure it’ll be even bigger in terms of death count. MechaGodzilla kicks Godzilla in the dick.

At least now we know anything can be solved through the power of friendship.

Rating: B+