Bitches.

You can’t know that a film called The Grinch That Stole Bitches exists and not watch it. The latest Hood Tubi movie and the first one I’ve watched in a long time, The Grinch is a perfectly sized film. One hour. And holy crap is it a long hour.

Directed by Malik Marcell, best known for his debut…well, not feature length film, The Grinch That Stole Bitches, the movie stars Otis ‘Money Bag Mafia’ Mcintosh as the Grinch. In other words he’s a dude walking around in a Grinch costume with green makeup on his face and an “In Glock We Trust” shirt on. He also occasionally roars at random points and his sleeping face is absolutely terrifying.

You might be asking yourself, “Connor, what could the plot of a film called The Grinch That Stole Bitches possibly be?” And the answer is it’s a heartwarming story about men learning to appreciate their wives and everything they bring to the table. Nah I’m just joking. Actually I’m serious, that’s part of the movie. The Grinch gets out of jail on bail, somehow, and heads back to the streets to plan his revenge. His revenge on Santa.

Santa played by Navv Greene. And his wife Mrs. Claus (Christianne ‘Chrissy Cindy’ Jones). With the help of his crew Lil G (Nigel Rhoden) and Lil E (Marly St. Cloud), the Grinch’s original plan is to rob Santa. But then he realizes he could make Santa even angrier by stealing his bitches. And then stealing a bunch of other women. The Grinch steals so many bitches that it actually causes a famine because there’s no women around to cook their kids dinner. I’m not joking, that’s a real plot point.

Naturally this movie is incredible. The acting? Top notch. The plot? I have no clue what’s happening in the last half hour and I really don’t care. There aren’t really any seasoned actors in this movie and it doesn’t really matter since all of them have natural charm and charisma. I especially love the news anchor who quits on the job because she’s apparently the only one not getting Grinch dick. That’s a real plot point as well.

The audio is exactly what you’d expect for a hood Tubi movie, and I imagine it was edited on the same iPhone they used to shoot it. Do you want scenes where the characters simultaneously are so loud they peak the microphone and so quiet not even the closed captioning knows if anything is being said? That’s here. By the way don’t bother watching this movie if you’re deaf, the Tubi closed captions have absolutely no clue what anyone is saying half the time. The audio either sounds incredibly crisp or like the characters are speaking through a hair dryer.

But don’t let that stop you, because it is a single hour long and it is a fantastic movie. The real hero of course is Otis Mcintosh who shot the whole film in a Grinch costume. And also Erica Duchess who plays Greisha and also shot her parts in a Grinch costume. It’s the dedication to detail that really brings these movies together.

Rating: B+