At least it’s only six episodes. (Spoilers)

Moon Knight is the sixth series in the MCU television Disney Plus television series of television series, and the next in a line of shows that are really testing my caring about Marvel. To summarize I have seen every episode of WandaVision and Loki and What If? I got about three episodes into Falcon and the Winter Soldier before I stopped caring, haven’t seen the Black Widow movie at all because it is redundant filler that should have come out ten years ago, and also haven’t seen any of Hawkeye because who cares. I’ve seen everything else.

I don’t know anything about Moon Knight, meaning I’m with 99.99% of Disney+ subscribers who will be watching this show. The first episode “The Goldfish Problem” was directed by Mohamed Diab who directs four of the six episodes. Having never seen his work, I can’t comment on the guy. The writer however is Jeremy Slater, a man whose career has been predominately dumpster trash. I’m talking 2015’s Fantastic Four and The Lazarus Effect (not to be confused with 2021’s Lazarus), as well as the 2017’s Death Note. The guy’s writing helped financially cripple 20th Century Fox so Disney could buy them, so I understand why they like the guy. Not sure why they hired him.

Oscar Isaac plays Marvel Man, your generic MCU male who is awkward, bumbles through his words, makes smartass comments, sucks at his job, and is just very timid and small and timid. He gets yelled at at work, he’s a vegan, his mother won’t answer his calls, and his coworkers and random strangers don’t respect him. Won’t it be crazy if he led a secret double life as a Tough Man, the kind of guy that gets the girls and touches boobs and punches people because that’s what tough guys do. And won’t it be crazy if Tough Man alter-ego teaches Marvel Man how to be tough and he stands up to his boss and gets the girl by the end? What a unique and unexpected storyline progression that would be.

Moon Knight really should have been a two episode drop, assuming episode two is any better. I loved Peacemaker but watching the first episode on its own would have killed my enthusiasm if I had to wait another week. The first episode? Feels like a real waste of 45 minutes. Predominately the episode involves Isaac showing that he has to prepare his house because he has a habit of waking up in the middle of the night and can’t remember where he’s gone. And then we figure out that his precautions have basically done nothing because the Moon Knight just like hops over the sand he puts out and escapes the ankle bracelet or something. Turns out Steven Grant has a double life as Marc Spector, aka Moon Knight, aka a mercenary who kills people and stuff. And apparently asks out his coworker to a steakhouse on his behalf, even though he’s a vegan.

As a red blooded American, I find anything with Egyptian mythology makes whatever it is attached to about 20% more interesting, and Moon Knight is steeped in Egyptian stuff. That’s pretty much the only reason I didn’t give this a D-. Steven literally works in an Egyptian museum and he finds himself in the Alps where he kills some dudes and steals a scarab from the leader of a mystic cult played by Ethan Hawke, who has a cool tattoo that helps him see the evil within people and then kill them if they are bad. The double life also helps Disney cut down on the budget, as every time something cool is about to happen the camera cuts out and then back in a second or two after it’s already happened. Who needs an awesome fight when you can squirt some fake blood on Oscar Isaac’s gums and be like “bruh you missed out on a cool fight. Shame.”

This episode literally doesn’t get interesting until maybe the last five minutes when we get some cool effects of Steven in a heavily mirrored bathroom where he transforms into the Moon Knight and allows the audience a peek. Imagine if Batman was covered in bandages and you’ve got Moon Knight. He punches an Egyptian dog in the face and then the credits roll. There’s some poetry that Oscar Isaac is once again playing a Marvel character in a heavily Egyptian themed piece. Incidentally X-Men Apocalypse was much less boring. Oscar Isaac apparently went through heavy training to learn about dissociative identity disorders to build his character, and it really doesn’t show since Isaac acts pretty much like every timid Marvel man in the MCU.

I don’t know anything about Moon Knight, I literally have never read any of the comics so anything in the realm of “I clapped because I recognized that from the comic books” has no bearing on my experience watching this episode nor do I care about easter eggs. It was boring. I don’t think I’d lose any sleep if I didn’t watch the other five episodes and I’m honestly going to have to try hard to keep up on the weekly schedule and not have anything more important going on like washing dishes or reupholstering the dog. Maybe it’s because the MCU shows serve as advertisements for the films proper, so this effectively feels like a six episode training video so I know who Moon Knight is when he shows up in the next Avengers.

Rating: C-