Something something wieners (spoilers).

What did I tell you guys? House of the Dragon is quickly becoming one of my favorite shows of 2022 so far, outside of maybe Cuphead. What started off a little slow has definitely grown on me and is something I’m looking forward to keeping up on more and more throughout the next few months. I don’t pay enough attention to pop culture media in order to accidentally spoil anything, so I can pretty much watch the episodes whenever I want and never have to worry about spoilers. It’s a great life.

So let’s talk about spoilers.

This episode did throw me through something of a loop. While the last episode jumped forward six months, there’s a whole three years between episode 2 and 3. Long enough that Viserys has already filled Queen Alicent’s belly with his Supreme Meats footlong, and long enough that she pooped it out in the form of their now two year old son Aegon. While last episode focused on the demand for Viserys to be remarried, this episode is more about Viserys pushing Rhaenyra into finding that special sandwich artist of her own. That’s as far as Subway’s sponsorship check gets them. Eat fresh.

Lord Jason Lannister courts Rhaenyra and she turns him down because he’s an egotistical asshole. What do you expect? He’s a Lannister. Even hundreds of years ago that family sucks. The suggestion is made that Rhaenyra wed Ser Laenor Velaryon, the son of Lord Corlys, in order to repair the rift formed between the two houses when Viserys refused to stick his French Dip in the twelve year old that is Corlys’ daughter. Granted she’d be roughly 15 at this point, so if Leonardo DiCaprio shows up in a cameo we know she’s not marrying him.

Speaking of Corlys, the partnership fight with Daemon and Corlys against the Crab Feeder is going horribly. All seems lost when Viserys finally decides to find his balls and sends a fleet of men and ships to help the fight, not wanting to spark an all out war but also not wanting to abandon his family and allies. With the help of Ser Laenor, Daemon, his troops, and a dragon, they take the fight to the Crab Feeder and wreck his ass. I assumed we’d see the Crab Feeder fed to his own crabs, but I’ll be content with Daemon shouting “I’ll feed you to your own crabs.” We do get to see Daemon injured by several arrows, but I’m sure he’ll be fine by next episode. No imagery that I caught of Viserys hurting himself on the throne, although he doesn’t sit on it. Wait, maybe that is the imagery.

In what might be the first in the Seven Kingdoms history, a royal hunt goes off mostly without a hitch. Granted the hunting trip that Viserys goes on is a massive spectacle with at least a couple hundred people and all the glitz and glamor you can hope for. A few hundred years later when Robert Baratheon gets assassinated by a disgusting pig (played by Kevin Smith, check the IMDB) for some reason (show budget) the king is walking around drunk with a couple of his friends and a spear. I don’t know what he expected. Thankfully when Rhaenyra is attacked by a boar she survives mostly unscathed thanks to the not drunk Ser Criston Cole and after stabbing the pig repeatedly to death she seems to mature almost immediately from this near-death experience. Huh. Cole stabs a boar, so Rhaenyra goes off with her crush into the woods and he shows her his pork sword and she comes out bloody and emotionally a woman.

Your sex metaphors don’t fly over my head, Ryan Condal. I was hoping we’d get another episode or so before the Crab Feeder bit the bucket, but he’s gone now. So long, Daniel Scott-Smith. Enjoy the royalty checks you cheeky sonovabitch. If you want to keep up with the Crab Feeder, Daniel Scott-Smith is starring in an upcoming show Jungle, a crime drama set in the UK rap scene with the first episode airing September 30. He plays a cop, meaning this isn’t the only show Scott-Smith appears in where a pig will probably get killed.

Anyway, back to House of the Dragon. Where will it go from here? Will Viserys bow to pressure and name Aegon as his rightful heir? Will Daemon continue his fight against his king and brother now that the Crab Feeder is taken care of? Who will Rhaenyra choose to be her husband? Can the relationship between Viserys and Lord Corlys be mended? And with the death of the Crab Feeder and his following, will the free nations go to war against King’s Landing? What are the political ramifications? And when, pray tell, will we see more naked whores?

I guess we’ll find out next week. Same bat time, same bat channel.