A film that doesn’t deserve its cast.

Hellblazers may be the best Tubi original film I have ever seen, and when I say that I realize it sounds like a backhanded insult. Like talking about the kindest thing James Corden has ever said, or the Chinese restaurant with the best track record for not letting rats shit in their open food containers. And I say this as the only person on Earth who has seen Hellblazers, and close to the only person on Earth who has even heard of the movie outside of the production team and their families.

As a Tubi Original, Hellblazers has been reviewed by absolutely 0 critics and viewed by nearly zero anybody else except the aforementioned family and friends, resulting in a film that after one year has three reviews on Rotten Tomatoes and 368 ratings on IMDB, which when you filter out the bot accounts translates to roughly three other people. Or possibly the same three people reviewed on both websites. I’m not sure. The directorial work of Justin Lee and literally 18 listed producers, Hellblazers is the product of the minds behind Maneater, A Tale of Two Guns, and The Most Dangerous Game, to just list 2022’s releases.

Justin Lee is a rotten bastard, and I say this knowing he probably had nothing to do with my main gripe of this movie. I guess we’re moving on from Danny Trejo films following this trend, but you may have noticed that Tony Todd is the only person on the movie poster. I love Tony Todd and he does a great job in this film. If Tony Todd told me to eat a Little Caesars pizza, I’d say yes sir please pass the garlic butter dipping sauce. But Tony Todd is in this movie for less than two minutes total I’d reckon before he’s taken out of the picture.

I’d imagine Ed Morrone would be more insulted by being the main character and not even being named on the poster, but whatever. He’s been working with Justin Lee on roughly a dozen movies over the last seven years and I assume the two guys are good friends or at least business partners on good terms. At the very least it shows that Ed probably doesn’t have a big actor ego. Ed Morrone plays Joe Anderson, the big city sheriff that comes to the small town to get away from it all only to find himself in a bit of a pickle when a cult group summons a demon that rampages the town.

Yeah, it’s a movie alright. Ed Morrone is no headliner, although he should be. He certainly has the looks and what I believe to be unrealized talent for it.

But there are a lot of recognizable and lovable names in this cast. Adrienne Barbeau is here who has been in the game since the 70s and who our readers will recognize as voicing Catwoman in Batman: The Animated Series. Meg Foster is here, aka Cagney from Cagney & Lacey as well as John Kassir aka The Crypt Keeper from The Crypt Keeper. Bruce Dern is here as well as being the best character in the film, of course relegated to the kooky old Vietnam veteran who is kind of an asshole but also knows when danger is coming. Billy Zane is here too to remind us he’s still Billy Zane. Like a side of waffle fries, I’ll accept him as part of a meal.

Bruce Dern captures my heart with easily the best lines and scenes in the movie. None of the actors feel like they’re phoning it in, and the worst thing that I can say about the film is that it doesn’t go far enough. It’s obvious the director had access to one of those debris blowing machines, as it’s used a lot throughout the film in entertaining “throw the actor” explosions of dirt and dust. It is interesting seeing a horror film where a large portion of the cast are actually useful, and a number of characters get a respectable kill count on the cultists before dying hilariously exaggerated deaths.

It’s all good fun. I’d also like to highlight this scene of the monster that I snapshotted where you can clearly see that his costume is partially made up of of chicken cutlet skin. As a fan of low budget campy horror, this boosted my score by a full grade.

Hellblazers is an 84 minute film, putting it in the perfect sweet spot for the How About Notflix quality horror movie scale. Check it out on Tubi. Just don’t go running too fast and maybe bring some liquor and some friends to heighten the enjoyment factor.

Rating: B-