Ninety seconds.

If you told me that Plane was written by the same person who does those flight safety videos, I’d believe you without a single question. The movie feels like the equivalent of an 80s PSA where a bratty teen smokes a single puff of weed and immediately bakes the dog in the oven and then shoots himself in the head thinking he’s Superman, subsequently burning down the whole house.

Plane has some good safety tips you’d find on any flight. Don’t be an asshole with your phone, you never know if the big black guy you’re trying to get in your selfies is a convicted murderer. If you drop your phone during turbulence, don’t unbuckle your belt and try to retrieve it. And if you see some shmuck trying to get his phone during turbulence, don’t unbuckle your seatbelt to try and stop him. And the flight industry is run by morally bankrupt shitheads willing to put fourteen lives at risk to save a few grand in fuel costs. Oh and airline  telephone customer service sucks.

Directed by Jean-François Richet whose history of films can best be described as box office bombs, Plane stars Gerard Butler as Brodie Torrance who takes no time reminding us that he is in fact Scottish asking for haggis. He also lets us know that his wife is dead and he’s on his way to see his daughter. For New Year’s. Torrance and his co-pilot Samuel Dele (Yoson An) are forced to fly through stormy weather because the airline is cheap, and unsurprisingly they crash on a deserted island somewhere in the Philippines.

And wouldn’t you know it, the plane happens to be carrying one Louis Gaspare (Mike Colter), a man being exiled to Toronto, Canada on a homicide charge. Lost and with no way of calling for help, the crew stays behind while Torrance and Gaspare go in search of a comms tower to hopefully call for help. Meanwhile local savage Datu Junmar (Evan Dane Taylor) learns that people from a first world country have landed on his island and sets out to do savage terrorist things like kicking sand in their potato salad. When you’re a warlord in a shithole, you don’t have much going on other than playing cards, shooting your guns in the air, and hoping a flight lands nearby to hold the survivors hostage.

David Scarsdale is my favorite character in this film, played by Tony Goldwyn, who immediately shows up as crisis management not only to help cover up the airline’s screwup but to actually help find the missing people. Scarsdale makes no hesitation in calling the people in charge of the operation morons. He also immediately calls in a group of mercenaries to go in and extract the survivors. Why? Because the Philippine government is worthless.

Thankfully Datu Junmar is such a cartoon-level villain that we have no problem watching him and his crew getting violently wrecked by the mercs with the big guns. And his group of terrorists are pretty easily taken out by the mercs with barely any resistance. I guess Datu should’ve spent less time playing cards and making YouTube funny moment clips and more time learning how to aim a gun.

The cast is pretty good. Paul Ben-Victor plays the greasy Italian airline owner. Lilly Krug is here as a snotty influencer, you may recognize her from How About Notflix fan favorite Tubi movie Shattered. Kelly Gale plays Katie Dhar, and her job in this film is to let the audience know she’s got a nice rack. Otherwise I’m not sure what her character’s purpose is in this film other to be a partner to Lilly. And have a nice rack. Joey Slotnick is here as an asshole, Remi Adeleke is the leader of the rescue team sent in. Halleigh Hekking plays Daniella, whose job is to be cute and innocent and hope her dad gets home safe.

We all hope he gets home safe Daniella.

Plane is a great movie, provided you like your liquid butter with just a little bit of popcorn. The action scenes very rarely have any tension because once Butler and Colter get guns there’s basically little resistance. The fights are so one-sided and the film hesitant on killing off any of the good people outside of a couple hostages to look edgy early on that you never really feel like anyone’s life is in danger after the first act.

One more lesson, if the man holding a gun to your head says “name, country” to the camera, you don’t stand there silently. Also everyone clapped when the plane landed so this movie is too realistic. If only they had access to Elon Musk’s Starlink the whole plot about not having cell service to call for help wouldn’t have happened. I spent $0 on a Starz free trial to watch this movie and I’m regretting every cent spent.

Rating: D+