Frank Grillo gets grilled.
As I continue my catch up with 2022’s January flicks and after skipping several films, I decided on Shattered. And what a surprise, Shattered is now on Tubi. Directed by Luis Pietro who you may recognize from his 2017 Halle Berry movie Kidnap, Shattered saw a limited release in January 2022 and came out on home video shortly thereafter. The film was written by David Loughery who you may recognize from *checks notes* Star Trek V: The Final Frontier. I’m sorry what?
Shattered stars Cameron Monaghan as Christopher Decker, a tech billionaire nerd who lives in a mansion and despite having a smart phone still shops for his own groceries at the store after midnight. Grocery stores open after midnight? This must take place pre-pandemic. Now Cameron has been in a bunch of crap over the years, but viewers will probably recognize him most recently as Cal Kestis in Star Wars Jedi: Fallen Order and Survivor, where he plays the Jedi guy with the lightsaber.
Anyhow, Cameron has a chance encounter with Sky played by Lilly Krug and immediately takes to her on account of she has a vagina and a pulse, acknowledges his presence, and she’ll let him fire when ready if you know what I mean. He’s going to use the force and fire a shot into her exhaust port. He’ll farm her moisture. She’s going to sit on his face. Listen they can’t all be Star Wars puns. Everything goes sideways when it turns out Sky is a murderer who kidnaps Chris for his money. Don’t watch the trailer.
There are some good lessons in Shattered. If you’re a rich dude, don’t trust white women who happen to meet cute you at the grocery store and don’t bang the skinny white chick you meet at the grocery store and don’t give your home security passwords to the skinny white girl you meet at the grocery store and don’t take pain killers with the white chick you get the point. In fact don’t trust white women period is what I believe the movie is trying to convey, especially if she’s built with a porn star’s face and an ironing board body. Trust is stored in the hips, the chest, and the skin tone, that’s why curvy non-white women are never the antagonist in movies like this.
Lisa (Ash Santos) is Puerto Rican and Dominican, which is why she had to be killed off first in the film. So Sky could do her white people stuff like robbing a rich tech bro and probably making skinless boiled chicken without any seasoning. Also doing white people stuff in the film is John Malkovich as Ronald, the landlord and greasy pervert who figures out that Sky is probably up to no good because he spies on Sky and Lisa a lot, especially when they are in their underwear. Frank Grillo makes an appearance in the movie as well, being his normal Frank Grillo self. I have no further notes.
Chris’ wife Jamie is played by Sasha Luss, proving that yes Chris does have a specific type in this movie. She also has her own list of white people shenanigans. Most surprising was learning that the guy who tries to break into Chris’ car toward the beginning was played by Dat Phan, the only shenanigan-making character in this film who isn’t white.
Shattered is one of those films that is far too well produced for its budget and plot, and I can see why this film has a whole 19% rating on Rotten Tomatoes by critics. Chris and Sky’s sex scenes are likely about as bland as their deviled eggs and potato salad, and while it is junk food it’s more akin to going to McDonald’s at an off-hour and getting the burgers that have been left in the warmer a little too long. Don’t watch the trailer, it gives away literally every single big twist.
I assume people will turn on this movie at the step-father/step-daughter sex scene. The performances aren’t terrible, it just feels like half the cast is in a completely different movie to the other half, with some characters taking the film way too seriously and others treating it like the b-tier shlock that it is. I also think it’d be moderately unfair to knock the film for the stupidity of its characters, because if films like this had reasonable, logical, intelligent people the plot would never happen. It would be Abed’s version of a horror film from Community.
That said the sheer number of steps required to get this plan in action does pull from the enjoyment. And it’s kinda boring after a while to see the film run down its checklist of tropes to put on display. Don’t trust white women.