Marc Polonia is back.

Mark Polonia has 96 director role credits to his name, of which over a dozen of those movies released in 2024 alone. He’s responsible for films like Revenge of the Empire of the Apes and Cocaine Werewolf and Jurassic Shark 3. These are not Asylum films, but produced through various companies including Polonia’s own Polonia Brothers Entertainment. They seem to be filmed predominately in Pennsylvania, where most of the film’s budgets have no doubt gone to toll booths and safety from local serial killers.

One Million Babes BC is the kind of movie I point to when I say films like The Secret Seam don’t need to be crap, they just need to not take themselves so seriously. The premise of the movie does not include one million babes nor does it seem to take place in one million BC. Rather it is in caveman times where cavemen lived alongside dinosaurs. Really well made but badly placed CG dinosaurs, I’m not going to mince words I think those dinos came from an asset pack.

The film follows two cavewomen Luna (Jamie Morgan) and Meeka (Marie DeLorenzo) in what could have been a decent cheap lesbian porno in another lifetime. Actually, let me check IMDB to make sure I’m not just getting tricked into watching another edited-for-Tubi softcore porn movie. IMDB says no, although Marie was in a film called Project D which despite the name is also not a porno. They just appear in a lot of Mark Polonia films. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

In fact Polonia reuses most of his actors from film to film, which is fine. As long as everyone gets paid and is having a fun time. There is a scene where Marie is playing with Jamie’s boobs and are we sure this isn’t a SFW cut of a bigger film? No? Someone get my detectives on that, I have a feeling there’s a sultry cut somewhere. They play silly sounds over her boobs getting bounced. The overarching story is two tourists uncovering a cave with cave drawings, by which I mean drawings in crayon on what are clearly paper bags crumpled to look like rock wall.

It may sound like I’m making fun of this movie, but I’m not. I thought it was charming and hilarious. I genuinely don’t have much to say about this movie.

Rating: C+