Stuart Paul is a hack fraud. Spoilers.

When I went into Nun’s Deadly Confession, I expected the film to be a crappy horror movie. What I didn’t expect is that it would be bad enough to prompt an on-stage walkoff of my entire podcast crew, who as of today have quit in protest of what they call cruel and unusual treatment. Thanks a lot, Stuart Paul, you jagoff.

Nun’s Deadly Confession is a horror movie that has nothing to do with nuns or deadly confessions. The poster is about as fraudulent as the career of director Stuart Paul who has been in the business since 1986 and somehow managed to avoid accidentally falling into talent over that 34 year span of time. Compare that to say Jordan Peele who was five at the time Stuart Paul started directing and managed to get through school and grow up to become a far more talented director of horror films like Us and Get Out.

This movie’s plot, if you can call it a plot, centers around an evil psychiatrist who keeps killing his patients. You can tell from the dialogue that the script writer really likes the smell of his own farts, as rather than write characters who speak like normal humans the walking proof that Stuart Paul owns a thesaurus float around using big words that neither they nor the writer really understand to make the film seem more intelligent and thoughtful than it really is.

It doesn’t help that the editing in the film is atrocious, like Stuart Paul is just now learning about digital software and is using this film to test out whatever transitions and effects he can find in Sony Vegas Pro. There are all sorts of ridiculous effects thrown in and the film very obviously re-uses footage during “fight” scenes, playing them forward and reverse while pretending that it’s one continuous shot like a teenager’s high school film project.

My favorite moment of the film has to be the doctor’s first victim, where you can clearly see the prop knife going into the blade. You’d think a director who has been in the business longer than I have been alive would know not to linger on a shot like this.

The original title for Nun’s Deadly Confession was Dr. Jekyll Better Hide which is more clever and I can only assume Stuart Paul fought against the title. It went on Redbox to dupe people into thinking it’s another film in the Conjuring series. It isn’t. I’m sure it was also his idea that nuns really wear sexy lingerie underneath their nun robes.

This is what nun’s wear, right? I’m joining the church.

Nun’s Deadly Confession also seems rather confused on where it wants to be. Everything seems to be modern day, but you have characters with holographic pens, hologram strippers, and moving photographs that look right out of Harry Potter. A clown enters the Doctor’s office in a matchbox-sized clown car that blows up to a regular sized car and the Doctor’s only reaction is “you’ve got to show me how to do that.”

The clown’s story is sad because he has cancer and is going through chemotherapy, when really the tragedy is that his bald cap is falling off and nobody cared to fix it.

At one point in the film, the dialogue was so poorly ADR’d that I had to turn on the subtitles to hear the characters talk. That was a mistake, as not only did I have to watch the scene twice but I could tell immediately why they were obscured. Here is the text of the conversation, trust me it doesn’t make any more sense in the context of playing cards.

“Eight six, dead man’s hand.”
“I’ll fold.”
*Deals card*
“And six.”
“The Devil.”
“Come on, who’s dealing? Pay up you stud.”
“I’m down to shock.”
“Ok. Let me help you, Doctor. Oooh war wounds. I raise you a pair of kings. Lucy and Ricky both.”
“Sharon, speed limit’s 55.”
“Let me help you with this.”
“Peeling one layer at a time is enough to make it through.”

So the antagonist (protagonist?) of the film is a detective who is investigating the Doctor and is possibly more inept as a detective than Stuart Paul is as a writer. The big spoiler of the film is that the Doctor isn’t the Doctor, but actually a homicidal killer who took the Doctor’s place. The real doctor had hanged himself prior to the film’s opening, but specialized in assisted suicide for people who are terminally stupid, I mean depressed, and all of the victims were his patients.

I’m not joking, the film goes out of its way to actually show courtroom footage of these characters signing consent to assisted suicide and outside of the clown who has legitimate terminal cancer, I don’t think any of the other characters were struggling with anything but being depressed. Maybe they wanted to kill themselves because the alternative is more screen time in a Stuart Paul film.

Despite the imposter doctor literally drugging and kidnapping several people who were not volunteering for this “treatment,” as well as numerous other crimes like aiming a gun at a police officer, the detective decides that they have to let the killer go. Truly a moron.

The film ends with the detective pursuing the imposter doctor whose car is on a really shitty green screen. The detective pulls a shotgun and literally fires it through his windshield while saying “Dr. Jekyll, better hide.” It explodes in a fireball and the credits roll.

At nearly two hours, literally anything you do with your time is more productive than watching a Stuart Paul film. You could pick up a camera and in two hours have more talent than Stuart Paul has managed to accrue in 36 years.

Rating: 0/5 – I’m not lying about people quitting over this movie.