Thy name is moron.

Let me tell you something folks, as part of my ongoing desire to rid my brain of anything coming close to the feeling of wanting to continue living on this earth, I have stumbled across yet another service that offers free movies. To say that Tubi publishes nothing but shit would be incorrect, the service has a lot of films that get syndicated on television for nickels like the old Star Trek shows and a lot of westerns.

There’s also the Fred movies, the worst of Nicholas Cage’s library, and more I’m not willing to talk about here. Oh yea and you can bet your ass anything in Tubi’s library from the last four years is the kind of absolute dog vomit that not even Netflix would be willing to pay for hosting. We’re going to watch one of those movies today.

The existence of Nostradamus: Future Tense is impressive when you consider that most people generally stopped paying attention to anything with Nostradamus’ name attached back in like 2011. Nostradamus is like a linguistic magician for manchildren, except instead of pulling a rabbit out of his hat he pulls predictions out of his ass. Everyone sorta came to the same agreement that Nostradamus’ bullshit operation has its roots in making statements that are so vague that they are inevitably going to be relatable to something in the next few thousands years.

Did I say 2011? I meant in 2002 when people realized that claiming some jagoff from the sixteenth century predicted 9/11 was not only built for a demographic that the internet would later call “incels” but was actually insulting to the people who died in a tragic terrorist attack.

Basically he was an intelligent guy with a God complex and a crippling ego who spent so much of his time sniffing his own farts convinced that the church was only against him because they knew he was completely correct that he probably died having bought into his own routine. He’s essentially every adult nowadays that believes in Nostradamus, if Nostradamus was a diabetic obese port-a-potty installation expert who lives with his parents at 40 and claims he’s just helping keep his elderly parent’s house clean.

Do you like crappy b-roll footage that has virtually nothing to do with what the narrator is talking about, combined with god awful original shots that are poorly color balanced? You’ve come to the right place.

I suppose the real draw of this film is in seeing adults trying to piece together vague statements with the phrase “some believe it could be referring to” peppered in. It’s like the narrator is aware that he’s full of shit but admitting it would mean no documentary and that means no funding from other idiots. It’s always fun when the narrator follows up a prediction by cutting out enormous portions that had nothing to do with the event that they’re trying to tie it to.

There is endless enjoyment to seeing Nostradamus theorists twist themselves into pretzels to properly jerk off each other’s egos to fit the predictions to some happening from human history. “Uhh Nostradamus said that a guy would get killed by a lightning bolt and John F. Kennedy died by a gun which is fast like a lightning bolt. Women sue me if I try to talk to them.”

Nostradamus: Future Tense feels like it was directly plagiarized from this article. In fact you can go sentence by sentence and see that the statements in the documentary just go piece by piece with exactly the same order of lists, same descriptions, and more. That O.H. Krill is an asshole. Otherwise this is a giant compilation of information you can find on every Nostradamus website. In case you thought Simon Oliver or anyone associated with this film was capable of doing original research, good luck on that delusion.

At the very least the documentary seems to slant much further toward the conclusion that Nostradamus was a hack fraud con artist who couldn’t predict his next bowel movement let alone John F. Kennedy getting shot in a country Nostradamus probably had no conception of. I have no doubt that Simon Oliver knows this is all total bullshit but he also knows that Nostradamus stans would drink a cup of diarrhea if you insinuated Nostradamus predicted it, and they’d pay you for it.

I’m not going to fault a guy for wanting to get money from the gullible and stupid. IMDB estimates this film’s budget as $1 million and I hope Simon Oliver got himself a new house or at least a fancy car for it.

Don’t watch this trash. This review has been sponsored by the Rothschild family. Buy Tyson chicken!

Verdict: F – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – – –