Tubi: Angels Fallen

Hack Fraud.

Angels Fallen is not to be confused with Angel Has Fallen, a proper film with a proper budget with proper actors and a proper budget. Angels Fallen is what you would get if The CW offered half its normal budget for a Constantine ripoff. In 2003. Keep reading.

The main character Gabriel is played by Houston Rhines. Now Houston’s job throughout the hour and twenty minutes is to carry an expression on his face like he was required to hold a grape in between his asscheeks for the duration of the film and is trying not to drop it without squishing it. It’s not Mr. Rhine’s fault he completely fails at acting like a badass, he has such pretty eyes.

Gabriel is joined by Michael Teh as Michael who in another world might be a proper stand-in for Tommy Pistols as a porn stunt double. He’s less of a dollar store Keanu Reeves and more of a nickel store Keanu Reeves.

Gabriel is a retired demon hunter who is pulled back into the game by, what else, demons. There are demons afoot and those demons need to die because demons are bad and demon hunters hunt demons. What a racist movie. Also Gabriel lost his faith sometime ago after the death of a loved one. We get a brief glimpse of this during the absolute worst green screen in recent film, and I include home movies made by pre-teens in that list.

Michael Madsen is here and just as Michael Madsen as ever. He has twenty movies in the works currently and will do pretty much anything for a paycheck, but he’s always a welcome face. He also sounds like he smokes cigarettes soaked in petroleum. Madsen only appears in person for the first and last scene and then shows up green screened as a hallucination because Madsen was only available for a single day to shoot on set.

My favorite character by far is Werrick played by Eric Roberts. Werrick is a pompous asshole and Roberts plays it up just loving the role. I also got a lot of laughs from Newton who just loves every part of his role in this film. Newton is the guy in the science coat that shows up to teach the team about demons and be a wacky scientist and do crazy scientist things. Maybe it’s because he’s so over the top compared to the rest of the cast that he’s just great.

Newton is a delight, and he has this back and forth banter with William Legue who plays Ty with the two just mess with each other the whole film and it is hilarious. Newton is played by Nicholas Turturro and for some reason he is not credited anywhere outside of the film itself, not even on the IMDB page. Really, Nick? You were in Paul Blart Fart Shart 2 and this is the film you’re embarrassed by?

Nicola Posener has top billing as Hannah and is the only person who is taking this film competently Hannah is a bit of a psychic and the way she tells the future is by applying essential oils and taking a shower. Why? Because Posener is what scientists would qualify as attractive and director Ali Zamani wanted the opportunity to film her naked in a shower. I mean deep lore reasons. Given how Zamani has her providing panting voice lines that were definitely used for his ASMR porn, I’m kinda shocked Hannah’s vision doesn’t require a prolonged massage or a lesbian encounter.

I thought I was going to hate this movie but honestly it’s hilarious. Angels Fallen is one of those films where half the cast knows how stupid it is and is playing up to that while the other half is trying to take it way too seriously. It’s a warm and cold front colliding to create a hurricane to tickle my giggle stick. And I’m not just talking about Jem (Ivy Natalia) who clearly propositions Gabriel to bone down which he passes up like an asshole, but then shows up thirty seconds later to get a peep at Ty and Jem banging out behind the bar. Gabriel you dirty dirty boy.

Ivy gets her breasticles out for our pleasure and then becomes part of a really weird chain bondage taser scene. I’m beginning to suspect she might be in this movie for sex appeal and because Nicola Posener had a no nudity clause in her contract. At one point Gabriel has to pretend he’s having trouble fighting a doll with really bad CG demon eyes.

Angels Fallen is exactly the kind of schlock that falls into the realm of entertaining shitass. The fights in this film have all the grace and believability of a middle school karate demonstration. The finale is stupid and doesn’t make any goddamn sense and it sets up a sequel that will likely never happen. It also has gratuitous sexiness while also being schlocky enough that none of it is gratifying.

This one’s going to surprise some of my readers, but I really enjoyed this film.

I’m going to give this a recommendation only on the grounds that you don’t give Ali Zamani money. You can watch the film for free on Tubi. It has a bunch of fake 10/10 reviews on IMDB from purchased accounts that are years old yet only reviewed this movie.

Rating: B+

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