Yea we’re watching this movie.

I once witnessed a teenager shit his pants at a Six Flags theme park and I would never make fun of the kid because he clearly had a learning disability. I feel the same way whenever I talk about directors like Jarrett Tarnol, like I don’t want to make fun of the guy shitting himself on screen because I’m pretty sure I’d just be making fun of the special ed kid’s work. We should be applauding the efforts of those with learning disabilities. They have a lot of heart.

Avengers of Justice: Farce Wars is a 2018 reminder that the Seltzberg style of parody is dead and nobody gives a shit. It was directed by Jarret Tarnol who is a dollar store Jason Friedberg and presumably a disappointment to his parents. Not as much of a disappointment as his brother, but we’ll get into that. You can pretty much glean everything about the plot from the name.

Simon Rex plays his usual role of giant manchild spastic aka Dark Jokester. This is not too dissimilar to every other role that Simon Rex plays and I’m starting to think it’s not a character. He’s partnered with Brent Tarnol who plays the character Lisp Luthor whose joke is, wait for it…he has ill-fitting cuff-links. I’m just kidding, he has a lisp. I’m sure this film is still more dignified than Brent Tarnol’s normal job working the glory hole at Love’s Travel Stop off the interstate in California.

Brent Tarnol gets jobs in Hollywood because his brother is the director. Imagine if Rob Schnieder was sapped of his talent, his good looks, his intelligence, his command of the English language, his friendship with Adam Sandler, his attractive wife, and an uncanny ability to wiggle his way into actual films like Demolition Man or Judge Dredd, and then he got run over to look like a disfigured Peter Dinklage clone, and you’ve got Brent Tarnol but multiplied by a factor of ten.

Brent Tarnol is also the writer of this movie and he works with all the grace of an eight year old coming out of surgery. Not content with simply Lisp Luthor, Brent’s crippled polio-ridden imagination also brings us gems like Tony Starch, Beaverine, Lando Fury, El Capitan South America, Thorbacca, and Emperor Purple Guy. It’s the kind of comedy that would have made you look like a talentless hack fifteen years ago, but in 2020 a comatose weasel could have written these characters.

Brent’s voice is like an anti-depressant, in that it might induce suicidal thoughts from prolonged exposure.

Luthor and Jokester are conspiring to kidnap Superbat’s son Lucas who is the only one in the family that doesn’t have superpowers. Superbat spills a beer on Tony Starch’s heart thing and he explodes and dies. Jokester shows up and hits everyone with his literal giggle stick which ironically is the first time Simon Rex has made anyone laugh since Scary Movie 3.

Basically this movie goes by the Seltzberg style of parody where  people don’t so much make jokes as they do reference names and things from properties you are aware of. The jokes are your typical elementary school style of “it rhymes.” Instead of Master Yoda it’s Master Yoga. Get it? ARE YOU LAUGHING YET? Shawn Michaels plays Master Yoga in what appears to be Woodrocket amateur porn-level spraypaint.

Here’s a screenshot that could be interpreted as a bad Woodrocket porn.

I gotta say Shawn Michaels is my favorite part of this movie. He’s the only guy in this film who seems to recognize that it’s a load of shit, and he plays it up to the max. Compare this to say Simon Rex for whom throwing on bad facepaint and acting like a dipshit is the height of his acting capability and Michaels scenes are a sight for sore eyes.

Shoutout to Tony Cavalero who is a dollar store Sean William Scott. There’s something poetic about Stephen Rannazzisi being told to “embrace the farce” when that’s exactly how I assume most of the people in this movie get out of bed to film their next abortion of comedy.

Jordan Salmon and Tim Smith are likely the only two who deserve some pity for lowering themselves to this film. Both are career stunt doubles in blockbuster movies like Black Panther and Zombieland, I can only imagine both either owed a big favor to someone or bought in to the same time share scam and needed some extra cash. Either that or Marvel pays its stunt actors a lot less than we’d think.

There was a twenty second Pepsi Wild Cherry ad that played while I was watching this film, and that 20 second commercial had better acting, production quality, and talent than the hour and a half of this movie. There are zero Rotten Tomato scores for Avengers of Justice both on the critic side and the user side, meaning How About Notflix is literally the only outlet that is paying attention to this film. There’s a credit in the editor role for Benjamin Jackendoff.

Rating: F –  –  If you offered me a choice between this movie and a spinal fluid biopsy, I’d take the biopsy.